Five Ways Anakin Skywalker Never Turned
by JadedofMara
Summary: A mad-cap, ridiculous and quite often rather morbid look at 5 ways Anakin never Turned from one Side of the Force to the other, and one way that he did. Crack!Fic


Five Ways Anakin Skywalker Never Turned

* * *

**It didn't happen like this:**

"Anakin! Drop!"

Anakin stopped running, and stared, dumfounded, at Qui-gon.

"_Why?"_

_**THUD!**_

* * *

**And it didn't happen like this:**

In a field of wild flowers in the lake country of Naboo, a herd of Shaak grazed peacefully. Dalle eyed her sister's plot of grass hungrily. Ohle always seemed able to find much better grass than Dalle ever could. Dalle inched closer.

_Dalle!_ moaned Ohle, catching her sister in the act. _This is my spot! Go find your own grass!_

_You never share anything! _Dalle whined, trotting away from her sister. _You're so selfish!_

_Girls, _their mother admonished from her own plot, several hills away. _Play nicely, please. I declare, your brother never gives me such troubl—_

_Mommy! _yelled the brother in question. _HELP! !_

_Seerad? _asked Dalle, staring.

_What's gotten into him? _asked Ohle confusedly, coming up next to Dalle, the better to watch.

_I have no idea, _murmured Dalle. Seerad, her brother, was running up the hill toward them as fast as his legs could carry them, kicking and bucking all the way. There was… something… on his back. From the looks of it, it was a—

_Is that a human?_ asked Ohle, amusement in her voice.

Dalle had seen the strange, two-legged creatures in her grazing field before. She'd seen them do a lot of foolhardy things before, but not one of them had never tried something as _stupid_ as… _this!_

A dark colored human with pale blobs at the ends of his upper appendages was _standing_ on her brother's back, riding along with him as Seerad reared and jumped about. Dalle gazed at the spectacle with some mixture of amusement and amazement. Beside her, Ohle was rooting for Seerad.

_Give it to 'im, give it to 'im, give it to 'im! Go Seerad!_

Seerad must have heard her. He gave a particularly vicious kick, and the brownish-blackish human fell right off.

_Yeah Seerad!_

_Woooohoooo!_ yelled Seerad, running right over the human who'd been on his back. _Heck yes! Did you guys see that?_

Dalle laughed. _You bet, Seerad. That was awesome!_

"Anakin!_"_ yelled a voice. Dalle turned. A new human, this time a yellow one, raced toward the brown human that Seerad had knocked off his back. "_Anakin_!"

The yellow human got down low on the ground, and shook the brown one, repeating that same sound over and over again. "Anakin? _Anakin_? _Anakin_! _ANAKIN_!"

A new sound came out of the yellow one now. It sounded like… crying.

_Oh crap,_ said Ohle. _I think you killed him!_

**It didn't happen this way either:**

* * *

"What would Padme do if she were in your position?"

Anakin hung his head.

"She would do her duty."

Obi-wan nodded smugly.

"But I'm not Padme."

Anakin let go.

"Anakin, no!"

"I must save her, Master!"

Anakin jumped.

_**SPLAT!**_

* * *

**Or this way, for that matter:**

"All the escape pods have been launched."

"Grievous. Can you fly a cruiser like this?"

"You mean do I know how to land what's left of this thing? Under the circumstances, I'd say the ability to pilot this thing is irrelevant. Strap yourselves in!"

Crash-thud-bang-crunch!

"We lost something!"

"Not to worry. We are still flying _half_ a ship."

Fire ships began circling overhead like so many vultures, spraying water over the melting hull of the Separatist cruiser.

"We're coming in too hot!"

Crunch-thud!

The bottom of the hull impacted with a short government landing strip. The forward momentum of the downed cruiser carried them straight _through_ the Control tower and on down the opposite end of the strip. Finally, _finally_, with no more than ten meters left of the strip, the huge cruiser screeched to a halt.

"Another happy landing!"

"Ah… Chancellor?"

"Anakin? Is he…?"

"Oh crap. I think he's dead!"

* * *

**And it certainly didn't happen like this:**

"What kind of nonsense is this, to put me on the Council and not make me a Master? It's never been done in the history of the Jedi! It's insulting!"

"Calm down, Anakin!"

"No, Obi-wan, I will _not_ 'calm down'. I've had it. I'm through! I quit."

Obi-wan blinked.

"Huh?"

"Look, Obi-wan…" Anakin said, unhooking his lightsaber from his belt and hefting it in his hand. "It's time you knew the truth. Padme and I are married, we have been since right after Geonosis. She's pregnant."

"Huh?"

"We've planned it all out as a fall-back, and I think the time has come. I've got a job all lined up. I'm gonna be a navigator on a spice freighter. Padme's gonna quit the Senate and we'll head out and settle down on the Moons of Yaego, and raise a whole family of little angels_."_

"Huh?"

"Don't worry about it, Obi-wan, we've got it all worked out. We have a ship, a Nubian light-weight cruiser called the _Bob_, and it's fully stocked with all we'll need. We even have a domesticated Ysalmir, if the need arises."

"Huh?"

"You know, Obi-wan, a Ysalmir. They create a Force-less field around themselves naturally. Pookie—that's our pet—is actually pretty cute."

"Huh?"

Anakin smiled sadly.

"I can't take this anymore, Obi-wan, I'm sorry. Here." Anakin tossed his lightsaber. Obi-wan only caught it out of pure instinct.

"Goodbye, Master Kenobi. May the Force be with you."

He turned and left.

Obi-wan stared down at Anakin's lightsaber in his hand.

"Huh?"

* * *

**This is how it really happened.**

"So… let me get this straight… You've turned… _back? _You've turned to the Light Side now?"

"Yup!"

"Master Yoda, is that even possible?"

"Stranger things than this, heard I have. Heard I have that turned to the Dark Side you did, because they had cookies."

"Well…"

"Don't tell me this is the truth! You murdered _thousands _of Jedi! And all because Sidious offered you _COOKIES!"_

"Weell… When you put it like _tha-at…_"

"Heard that they were snickerdoodles, I did."

"Yes, as if _that_ explains it!"

"I know… what I did… It was wrong. I know that now. I really do! And I'm back now. I won't ever fall into Sidious' clutches again, I can promise you that!"

"Believe you, I do, young padawan."

"B-b-but… Master _Yo-oda! _You _always_ say that 'once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny'!"

"Back at me, quote my words, do not."

"And you, Anakin! I can't _believe _you! All it takes is Sidious saying 'Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies', and you instantly Turn at the drop of a hat? Who's to say it won't happen again?"

"Me."

"That's exactly it, Anakin! I can't trust you anymore! What if it's Oatmeal Raisin cookies next time?"

"I don't like oatmeal raisin cookies."

"That's completely beside the point!"

"Master, you'll just have to trust me. I'm saying I won't do it again, and you'll just have to take my word for it."

"How, Anakin? How can I possibly trust you, after all this?"

"Because I've been to the Dark Side, Master. They lied about the cookies."

* * *

R&R!

~Jaded


End file.
